Once upon a time, a girl was bored. Then, four metal heads known as 'Sleeping Troll' wanted to entertain her. The only problem was, she found an orange and sat on it. The juice shot out and got herself all sticky. She jumped up, stripped off her clothes and played with Dodo. "Who the fuck's Dodo?", she asked The Hoff. Sleeping Troll ate Dodo, resulting with massive indigestion, heartburn, gas, wretching and mild case of insomnia.
Meanwhile, back in Yakima, where seagulls fly sideways and wind was blowing, EVIL roamed the alleyways. Grotesque, stumpy gargoyles witnessed the disembowelment of children by their own parents, the great Adams Family. A magnificent feast ensued inside Uncle Festers vagina, but the crabs were dancing for Great Cthulhu!
Bored girl shat herself (metaphorically speaking of course), until she realized that Cthulhu was an ancestor. Rejoicing in madness, they embraced their sacred bond, and each other, until the girl realized with horror that unicorns were extinct.
Someone knocked on door, it was a unicorn with a dwarf on it's horn, grotesquely impaled, yet in good spirits and telling dirty jokes. He mused: "What's short, stout & almost always drunk? Not a tea cup!" Bored girl fell on penguin's lap and began gouging its eyes out with its pointy flipper.
Suddenly, DutchGuy-Tim burst in spouting unintelligible nonsense and throwing karate kicks at the unicorn's dwarf-ridden horn. The bored girl shouted "NICE WOODEN SHOES DUTCHY_TIM!", breaking his karate-kick concentration and his wooden shoes fell to the floor. They burst into flames and scurried away quickly.
Elsewhere in the realm, a bunch of naked dwarfs in striped pajamas, carrying tiny little spears made of sharpened pencils, cried out for Valhalla in surprisingly deep voices. They were on their way to Grandma's house, looking for an evil recipe for homebrewed mead. Having traveled for many millimeters around the rundown old homebrew store searching for the stairway to heaven, they decided to open a commune for carnivorous, blind rabbits but city code enforcement robots stormed the gates devouring every soul in sight.
After the battle, only blood and twisted metal on Playstation were cooly killed by Nintendo and the power went out. All that was left was a bony arm and a broken controller. The reek of death made Hoff, starving for his old Baywatch days when he was chasing Pam, crave sloppy cheeseburgers. In drunken despair, he grabbed the bony arm and stuck it up into the vast darkness of dear Dodo's ASS. But what he discovered was a very peculiar smelling yet oddly adorable birthday cake in the process of being eaten by naked baby penguins.
They feasted and grew. And the scary part of the teenage penguins were Lady Gaga tattoos, sliced off her body and glued to theirs. Fanatical feathered backup dancers ate at Denny's, then after release from hospital, robbed a sperm bank. Shagrath's sperm in hand, they all screamed, 'EWWWWW!!!' Sinister giggles from tyrwoman and mixed emotions from Debb, echoed through the streets.
Meanwhile, back in Miami, metalheads from Canada left a trail of beavers so they could get home safely. Unfortunately, their beavers ran dry, as beavers are known to, so they built a damn frozen maple syrup igloo so they could happily eat the free cheese that inspires Canadian TV. Suddenly, the beavers died of dehydration. Hockey sticks made of narwhal ivory marked the spot where ice cold Canadian brewskis were consumed by Rush.
Drunk on stage, Rush fought off howling hoards of beautiful ravaging women who missed Steel Panther because they, like men throughout history, admire hotties and drink cheap wine. Venereal diseases ran rampant among Geddy Lee's concubine allowing Neal's drum solo to suck her ass, as the Dutch say.
Drink, smoke and PARTY! Blasphemous words spoken without uttering the code phrase: "They took our jobs", which really means "They tuk ar derbz!" but then Kenny died again, going to titty heaven. Kenny saw RJD there who was not pleased that his 'tribute' statue was not cast in proper form: HORNS UP!! Cliff Burton chimed in, "Finally! A decent vocalist! It's about fucking time!"
Meanwhile, in nutsack hell, a legendary sacktap connected rendering Rosie O'Donnell sterile (Dampening Craig's facebook legitimacy, while elevating all others). Craig, friendless, snickered despondently, thinking of Kip Drordy having a bikini wax and wishing for release of sex tape scandal footage from 1987. Controversy still lingering over the night he apparently had his footie pajamas on underneath his street clothes while masturbating outside of a closed down Jack-in-the-Box. Kids inside saw this and burst into flames. Flaming Armageddon ensued. Everyone died except for the flies buzzing around rotten, pungent, re-animating celebrity corpses.
And then... and then...
POOF! Reincarnation for ALL!! And they took ur souls in for tune-ups. Kevin's soul, completely blackened since his virgin birth, rose from the ashes and vomited venomous wasps, alliteratively speaking. Dark clouds began to form, creating images of inebriated vixens with fangs, eating their way through demonic hordes of little black kittens in happy corpse paint. Purely insane visual for animal lovers and metalheads that are into that butt-naked grocery shopping trend. The Thrash of Naked Titans tour sold out, much to the dismay of Debb and Sheila ever since that time they accidentally killed a bottle of JACK and ate 437 hot dogs. Luckily, stinking corpses induced a sense of unease and mass reverse peristalsis in hot dog vendors that frequented the boneyard looking for fresh meat. The stench of rancid condiments and rotting clergymen lingered in the air. Gold, frankincense and myrrh were sold out from crystal meth chemists trying to open a franchising operation using biblical ingredients.
Meanwhile, back in Canuck-land hockey was being outlawed!!!! Civil unrest was rampant; Molotov cocktails whizzed overhead. Edmonton was obliterated. Vancouver faces Winter Olympic Games debt. Crippling social services makes radios play country to zombify the masses. Thus achieving the goal of maintaining the sheep caged for Sunday's "Barbecue Auto-Cannibalistus Hickorius" feast. Any sane person certainly would attend, hoping for a savory taste of barbecued Canadian flesh with some bad beer from Craig's brew-yer-own. Hoping for a peek at the band list, Craig threatened to poison us all for an announcement of Manowar, Kamelot, and Journey, but instead only Voivod got announced. Nonetheless the unspeakably evil Craig still hatched foul plots against his twin, friendly Craig. Masturbatory yin/yang notwithstanding, the sky was filled with "DIAMONDS", screamed Lucy before they crushed her. So then a new breed of metal hero, beautiful as a sunshine soaked, sultry Simone Simons with extremely bright hairdo and hardly any clothes, was unleashed upon Earth. Super Simone had magick swinging tassels that she loved spinning and twirling with her band's rhythm guitarist making funny faces because he was anorexic. Although anorexia never hindered an Olsen twin from drawing unicorns with crayons. As Bob Saget salted his driveway, ice formed on his favorite bong. John Stamos' pretty-boy hair was permafrosted by Immortal, but just the tips. Jodie Sweetin's ample bosom, blown out of proportion, attracted Saget's attention daily. Then, out of nowhere, new sitcom: Dysfunctionocalypse: DethHouse! Featuring all your beloved Full House characters but Uncle Joey's adopted Guatemalan parakeet. After swilling gin Evil Craig showed up and tried to eat nice Craig's entire collection of power metal figurines. But luckily Manowar saved their virginity for marriage which saves Craig's figurines until Evil Kevin arrives. Evil Craig rode on Kevins back until both were creeped out, which took several hours, lots of power death, rainbows, unicorns, emerald forests, mojitos, bikinis, and slapchops littering the sweat-stained sheets. Afterward all that remained of Kevin's dignity was a half eaten sandwich.
69 long days later, the CREVIN was born! Ghastly, foul, sorta cute, slithering, Power Metal loving but Death metal growling double-axe wielding giant! None could withstand her pungent stench. The natives used raw garlic to rub it around their nipples. This didn't help with their herpes problem in the slightest but it felt surprisingly good. Then again, so does farting in a bottle, sending it to grandma and blaming it on UPS & her Alzheimer's. Crevins don't like garlic, they're OBSESSED with it. To trap one, just place a garlic clove between your butt cheeks, and prepare for rimming. Or, if you prefer, the slam-dunk procedure... What goes in, must dig an escape route. So Garlic-Crevin was born!
Garlic-Crevin then becomes hungry for blood so he begins Vampire hunting but, by mistake, he turned into one when forgetting a condom when poking random dead things affectionately. This was funny to some....until the sounds and smells began to make everyone hurl their Thanksgiving dinner like there's no tomorrow. A wooden stake was not the answer, because Garlic-Crevin has no heart. It DOES, however, have 13 solid steel testicles which made it difficult to put on pants. Clanging together when walking, living afraid of magnets and frosty cold mornings aren't the worst parts. Some say they are bait for horny Fem-bots while others maintain they are absolutely fucking worthless but, either way, everyone that fucks one gets a $20 gift certificate for Disney World attractions! Although these types of "payoffs", are hardly appropriate, they do cut down on listening to metal robots complaining about rusty Nuclear Powered Pansexual Roto-Plookers who have a sexdrive that is astronomically explosive.
As OUR STORY derails, grammatical gremlins grin gloriously.......Hugs not drugs people!!!!
Metallica, Megadeth, Pantera, Slayer, ON DONNER!, ON BLITZEN! Metal Santa's little Elves needed Garlic-Crevin testicles for ball bearings on their wicked demonic torture sleigh in order to deliver presents in time for Yule. Elves enjoy Pagan Fest as much as they do power metal. It gives them gas, grass, ass and metal....and an occasional orgasm, all without monetary expense. Now.....if only they didn't wear so much mistletoe around their tiny sunglasses. Even David Coverdale might slide one in. As for Evil Craig, he wasn't in Whitesnake, he was in Warrant! This profoundly upset Manowar Jellyfish (found in Portugal) and it massacred men and women equally.
Meanwhile, in Fairy Land, Brett Favre sent pictures of Debb and himself to the local media, stirring up a frenzy of forwarding and photocopying totally unrelated random text because bewbs scare them. Debb screamed "FAKE PHOTO"S!!, my bewbs are much perkier than his. Only Bewbanator can really tell for sure. But Bewbanator was busy elsewhere due to increasingly insane demands that elves made for babes in push-up bras. As everyone knows, elves crave multiple nipples and Belgian beer, preferably at room temperature. But everybody wants perky bewbs, so do those Kegels! Wait, what's this story about? Does anybody know? Anyone?
Seeing Deb's post counter begin moving backwards really gives Penguin a "chubby", making the ship tilt hard to port and spewing all the yummy microbrews, that he snuck in between his flippers, all over the poopdeck. Vague sexual innuendo notwithstanding, Debb's gotta reach 3000 or she will explode! Hair and BEWBS everywhere!!! wut A TERRIBLE SIGHT!!
Luckily, Debb's been busy eating Vegemite sandwiches with nothing on. Her neighbours' meth lab exploded, violently interrupting her post count. 5 minutes later however, metal elves made her use their time machine and she traveled to the 80's for classic moments with Rhoads & DIO. She even managed to steal Don Johnson's clothes and convince Ron Jeremy and Rob VanWinkle to cross swords while banging to "Ice, Ice Baby". It was horrifying actually but made her appreciate being very blind and mostly deaf from metal cruises from years past. Time travel really helped clear out her sinuses. Blind, deaf, wheezing chicks make great frothy drinks if you squeeze them enuff. You haven't tasted Heaven til you've had one, two or even three forced down your throat, whether jammed or jellied, will leave you feeling like you wanna rock!
Without makeup, Twisted Sister wore their tiny tutu's,resembling Sarah Jessica Parker over ten years ago, in ugly Garnier commercials. But the worst part was that Santa forgot his red nosed reindeer went to AA meetings due to a prior DUI while in Arizona that left several dead. It seems his nose was plugged with coke so glowed pink instead which caused Santa to have distracting bewbie thoughts while Evil Kevin was stealing all the presents. Santa, wandering around aimlessly on December 27th, finally caught up to his wife who'd been out selling her "special" brownies. She also earned money servicing the elves and their cars real cheap. Their son THE PENGUIN had tried murdering them but failed because flippers have no opposable thumbs.
Derailed-Dutch came running angry and fell head first into piles of Germans. They laughed at poor Timmy because he landed straight on the eagle (aka Timmy's big ass). His bloodied Heidevolk t-shirt could be seen from afar, horns raised from Debb's sunny state - Arizona! Poor guy was lost. The Lizard King led Timmy to Time's doorway where Ancients fled from Dog the Bounty Hunter, hellbent on rehabilitating them and styling their hair with leathery, feathery, thingies. Timmy, Dog, Lizard King and gargantuan Bewbface walked down to the river with their weiners out to put out fires that Evil Unicorns started by rubbing two Leprechauns together briskly. How could they become so evil?.
They say size doesn't matter but have you seen who says that? Right! Women with tiny yapping dogs that always appear 35 lbs shy of Lindsay Lohan. Evil gasoline flavoured McDonald's burgers were devoured by ShoreSlayer before boarding the cruise, the stench, unbearably pungent, avoided Cabin Floor 6. Deck 3 however, wasn't the place to be! Few survived! Fewer still, since Erik farted and blew up the entire kiddie playland area. YAY! This carnage pleased cultists devoted to flatulent fornication in split pea soup so much that they all visited Disneyland and drank bleach/kerosene cocktails.
Unfortunately for the Wipers, there was much wiping needed in places that even Metalwrath wouldn't dare to wash his clothes. The layers of filth enveloping DragonLordJones' twisted psyche corroded his Harley, leaving nothing but tattered t-shirts and layers of scoobs. Everything was just covered in bacon. The whiskey, however, was most excellent! As Tom G. entered the water wearing Debb's floaties around his swollen cankles and playing a killer riff with his talented penis, just like legendary Murderface, Debb rocked out hard and reached out her bionic bewb to grab a pallet of Vegemite from Evican's roo pouch. A pack of dingoes ate some lady's baby but the pigman escaped. Pigman was last seen at church, drunk and stoned selling hash brownies and singing nursery rhymes about rabid bacon and eggs. Tony Danza suddenly arrived driving a beater taxicab and a rocketship appeared carrying Danny Devito's toothbrush, which reeked of bourbon. Tony used the toothbrush to swab the deck.
Meanwhile, at penguin's funeral, everyone feasted on pengy-kabobs which tasted like kaka. The music was loud and Jager was flowing through an elf's asshole, actually improving the flavor. The cruisers lined up to play pin-the-running order on Dino but the ship swerved and Metalwrath was pinned with power metal swords and so was doomed. Suddenly, he was revived! A leprechaun had sprinkled urine on his face which, when mixed with WRATH BREATH, turns to liquidy Lucky Charms balloons! "They're after me lucky power metal charms!"
Hookers, meanwhile, took in the sights of a Nebraskan dyslexic pimp spelling bee and won top prizes for words like....elppin. A gargantuan angry nipple accused of raisin smuggling watched "Taxi Driver" for the seven hundredth time. It reminisced about how a snail slowly slid sideways singing simplistic symphonies since someone stuck sausages surreptitiously in its gullet.....and then it farted!! Ever suffered snail flatulence???
Smells worse than Watain on toast with Vegemite