Romance Thread

[sageoftruth]

70000 Tons of Metal costs money, so it is probably safe to assume that everyone here has or once had a job. Most modern jobs tend to be co-ed, sometimes we give in to our baserinsticts. This is where we all share our stories of the time when we or someone we knew decided to breach the rule against office romance.

[ShoreSlayer]

I find it funny cuz so many 'experts' caution against workplace romances but it's where many of us spend so much of our damn lives and tend to meet a LOT of people. I don't think I'd wanna date someone I was working with 40 hours/week unless it was just one of those undeniable connections. But dating someone I met through work who worked maybe somewhere else in the company or a colleague from another agency or whatever... I think that's about as 'safe' as any other romantic relationship.

That being said, I have asked out some women over the years that I met through work and they weren't interested. I have very little difficulty with rejection (practice makes perfect) and so carried on afterward like no big deal but on a couple occasions did find that the woman then just seemed to feel really awkward during any future encounters. Pretty much all who know me know that I am and say that I come across as pretty much harmless so I found that surprising and it did give me pause to consider not taking such risks at work again. But hey, we're not here for long so I'd rather not let fear call the shots.

[sageoftruth]

I find it funny cuz so many 'experts' caution against workplace romances but it's where many of us spend so much of our damn lives and tend to meet a LOT of people. I don't think I'd wanna date someone I was working with 40 hours/week unless it was just one of those undeniable connections. But dating someone I met through work who worked maybe somewhere else in the company or a colleague from another agency or whatever... I think that's about as 'safe' as any other romantic relationship.

That being said, I have asked out some women over the years that I met through work and they weren't interested. I have very little difficulty with rejection (practice makes perfect) and so carried on afterward like no big deal but on a couple occasions did find that the woman then just seemed to feel really awkward during any future encounters. Pretty much all who know me know that I am and say that I come across as pretty much harmless so I found that surprising and it did give me pause to consider not taking such risks at work again. But hey, we're not here for long so I'd rather not let fear call the shots.

That's interesting. Harmless is how most people describe me as well, even though I'm pretty tall. I admire your courage though. I have some of the same hangups as well. Sometimes it just feels like it opposes my nature to do anything that suggests that I'm looking for romance. To avoid derailing my own thread, I'll mention that I have tried to get to know a bunch of co-oping students in my work place, as well as one attorney (you'll find details in the Random Bitching thread). Two of my bosses are also a couple. It's kind of neat how they work together both as co-workers and as husband and wife.

[KDibildeaux]

I haven't dated anyone at work, but I was asked out repeatedly by one guy who is twice my age and kinda creepy one of the last attempts he proposed that I date him and my then boyfriend (because I told him I was in a relationship) and then decide which on I wanted to be with . Another time he asked if he could come hang out at my apartment, wahhhhh. Luckily he's moved on (and I believe doesn't know where I live)

[onenight]

This one place I used to work a long time ago I dated about 7 different women. Some were long term some were onenighters.....(hmmm onenight, wonder where that name came from) I had a kid by one girl and ended up marrying another. (divorced from her since) Those were good times. What can I say, I liked variety. I've grown up since then,.. for the most part,...somewhat.

[ShoreSlayer]

That's interesting. Harmless is how most people describe me as well, even though I'm pretty tall. I admire your courage though. I have some of the same hangups as well. Sometimes it just feels like it opposes my nature to do anything that suggests that I'm looking for romance.

Yeah, some of the social dynamics involved in this whole realm are quite fascinating to me. Achieving clear communication between people can be a bit of a crapshoot at the best of times and under optimal circumstances. Where so many varying dynamics like different genders, social needs/risk taking, workplace stuff like variances in position/role/power and so much else is involved, it's no surprise that it can be a bit of a tap dance. But I think that, as long as one isn't doing stuff like the examples Kate posted, stuff that demonstrates a lack of respect or the inability to hear and accept no when the person says no, then I'd always rather err on the side of taking the risk and paying the price than letting fear(s) keep me from something that could turn out to be a cool part of my life experience (whether LTR or onenight ).

The line at the end of your post really intrigues me as it's something I used to struggle with a lot and it still rears its ugly head but I do my best to slay it like so many power metal dragons as soon as I recognize it (and this is assuming you meant what I think you meant). If you're talking about the concept that many guys (maybe the ladies too) experience where there's some sort of embarrassment or implied wrongness attached to asking for what we want/need, then I've read correctly.

It just seems to me more and more now in the age of PDAs (data devices, not displays of affection) and all this tech that surrounds us and the paces we live at, there's just SO many distractions and excuses NOT to connect with other living beings face to face through the course of our week... Why let any over the top political correctness BS or questions of self-esteem / rights to personal satisfaction keep us from enjoying all life has to offer? or at least trying to?

Okay, I could babble a lot more but have to go buy some weight bar clamp thingies (wtf are they called anyways?)

[onenight]

That's interesting. Harmless is how most people describe me as well, even though I'm pretty tall. I admire your courage though. I have some of the same hangups as well. Sometimes it just feels like it opposes my nature to do anything that suggests that I'm looking for romance.

Yeah, some of the social dynamics involved in this whole realm are quite fascinating to me. Achieving clear communication between people can be a bit of a crapshoot at the best of times and under optimal circumstances. Where so many varying dynamics like different genders, social needs/risk taking, workplace stuff like variances in position/role/power and so much else is involved, it's no surprise that it can be a bit of a tap dance. But I think that, as long as one isn't doing stuff like the examples Kate posted, stuff that demonstrates a lack of respect or the inability to hear and accept no when the person says no, then I'd always rather err on the side of taking the risk and paying the price than letting fear(s) keep me from something that could turn out to be a cool part of my life experience (whether LTR or onenight ).

The line at the end of your post really intrigues me as it's something I used to struggle with a lot and it still rears its ugly head but I do my best to slay it like so many power metal dragons as soon as I recognize it (and this is assuming you meant what I think you meant). If you're talking about the concept that many guys (maybe the ladies too) experience where there's some sort of embarrassment or implied wrongness attached to asking for what we want/need, then I've read correctly.

It just seems to me more and more now in the age of PDAs (data devices, not displays of affection) and all this tech that surrounds us and the paces we live at, there's just SO many distractions and excuses NOT to connect with other living beings face to face through the course of our week... Why let any over the top political correctness BS or questions of self-esteem / rights to personal satisfaction keep us from enjoying all life has to offer? or at least trying to?

Okay, I could babble a lot more but have to go buy some weight bar clamp thingies (wtf are they called anyways?)

your problem is, you analise shit too much. It's really not that complicated.

[ShoreSlayer]

I don't have a problem.

Does my analysis bother you?

[AlaskaRachel]

I've never had an office romance (simply because I've never worked with someone I considered "my type"), but I don't think there's anything wrong with inter-office dating. As long as you're able to keep your work and your personal life separate, there shouldn't be a problem.

I haven't dated anyone at work, but I was asked out repeatedly by one guy who is twice my age and kinda creepy one of the last attempts he proposed that I date him and my then boyfriend (because I told him I was in a relationship) and then decide which on I wanted to be with . Another time he asked if he could come hang out at my apartment, wahhhhh. Luckily he's moved on (and I believe doesn't know where I live)

Oh god I've had one of those creepers before. He asked me out repeatedly and then one day said I had to leave my boyfriend or else he would move out of town and never see me again. Needless to say, he moved out of town and I never saw him again

[sageoftruth]

I've never had an office romance (simply because I've never worked with someone I considered "my type"), but I don't think there's anything wrong with inter-office dating. As long as you're able to keep your work and your personal life separate, there shouldn't be a problem.

I haven't dated anyone at work, but I was asked out repeatedly by one guy who is twice my age and kinda creepy one of the last attempts he proposed that I date him and my then boyfriend (because I told him I was in a relationship) and then decide which on I wanted to be with . Another time he asked if he could come hang out at my apartment, wahhhhh. Luckily he's moved on (and I believe doesn't know where I live)

Oh god I've had one of those creepers before. He asked me out repeatedly and then one day said I had to leave my boyfriend or else he would move out of town and never see me again. Needless to say, he moved out of town and I never saw him again

Boy, I don't get those kinds of people. Do they simply not see people of the opposite gender as, well, people? My roommate had trouble with two guys like that. One met her at starbucks. He was a huge beefcake bodybuilder type. He pretty much went up to her and went, "Hey! I like you. We should totally go out." I was never around to see it, but hearing about it made me shudder.
In an attempt to scare the guy away, she "experimented" with this other guy. This other person turned out to be a serious douchebag. While he wasn't necessarily abusive, he was egotistical, opinionated, never listened to anything my roommate said, and took forever (weeks/months) to get the message when she repeatedly told him they should stop hanging out. According to my roommate, he was like some Jersey Shore character taken up to 11. I'm glad he finally did get the message, or I would have been happy to supply her with pepper spray.

[sageoftruth]

I don't have a problem.

Does my analysis bother you?

I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but I think he's referring to paralysis through analysis. Always has been a big problem for me in any social situation. Actually, I think that's the bane of all introverts. I had a very extroverted friend who made charming, witty comments in public that I could never hope to use, because by the time I finished deciding if it was okay to say, it was too late to say it (timing is everything when trying to be witty in person). I think we need another thread, so we can discuss dating in one and tell dating stories in the other.

[ShoreSlayer]

I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but I think he's referring to paralysis through analysis. Always has been a big problem for me in any social situation. Actually, I think that's the bane of all introverts. I had a very extroverted friend who made charming, witty comments in public that I could never hope to use, because by the time I finished deciding if it was okay to say, it was too late to say it (timing is everything when trying to be witty in person). I think we need another thread, so we can discuss dating in one and tell dating stories in the other.

I definitely agree that there's such a thing as over-thinking things but the stuff I enjoy babbling about here is not very indicative of my thought processes in real life situations. I just get tremendous pleasure out of thinking out loud in a setting like this and sharing some of my more disjointed thoughts in the hopes of hearing what others think and learning from them, which I usually do. I'm under no illusions that everyone else finds my thoughts as entertaining as I do but they have the option of just moving to the next post if they're not interested. I just took mild offense to being told I had a problem and what the solution was when, for the most part, I'm pretty damn content with the way my mind works in this area and the results it gets me.

And no, I doubt we need another thread. The multi-tangental stream approach has been working pretty well around here for a while now

[AlaskaRachel]

he was like some Jersey Shore character taken up to 11.

Where's the "run away screaming" smilie when I need it?

[KevinP]

I've never had an office romance (simply because I've never worked with someone I considered "my type"), but I don't think there's anything wrong with inter-office dating. As long as you're able to keep your work and your personal life separate, there shouldn't be a problem.

I haven't dated anyone at work, but I was asked out repeatedly by one guy who is twice my age and kinda creepy one of the last attempts he proposed that I date him and my then boyfriend (because I told him I was in a relationship) and then decide which on I wanted to be with . Another time he asked if he could come hang out at my apartment, wahhhhh. Luckily he's moved on (and I believe doesn't know where I live)

Oh god I've had one of those creepers before. He asked me out repeatedly and then one day said I had to leave my boyfriend or else he would move out of town and never see me again. Needless to say, he moved out of town and I never saw him again

I always contend that I'm happy to be a guy. Besides the fact that showers are much quicker for us, no need for all that makeup and hair nonsense, just having to deal with the male ego/testosterone and their beyond god awful pick up lines makes my skin crawl. And I'm not even the one being put in the uncomfortable situation.

[MadameLePink]

Never dated anyone from work. I've always liked longhaired guys and there have never been any the places where I've worked. I've also been harassed by a few creepy older colleagues especially at the Christmas parties

[Laura]

I don't have a problem.

Does my analysis bother you?

I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but I think he's referring to paralysis through analysis. Always has been a big problem for me in any social situation. Actually, I think that's the bane of all introverts. I had a very extroverted friend who made charming, witty comments in public that I could never hope to use, because by the time I finished deciding if it was okay to say, it was too late to say it (timing is everything when trying to be witty in person). I think we need another thread, so we can discuss dating in one and tell dating stories in the other.

Good post sage - especially the phrase "paralysis through analysis." I don't intend to speak for onenight either, nor do I mean to dis Rob or imply him specifically. Stan (onenight) said very succinctly It's really not that complicated. What that made me think of personally is the basic idea: boy meets girl, boy likes girl and vice versa, and relationship (whatever form that takes from hook-up to marriage) follows. Yeah, I know - super simplistic - but the question for me is, really, WHY does it have to be much more complicated than that? Maybe I'm just way too out of touch with this subject or a bit delusional, but it seems from what I hear from people - dating has gotten way more complicated since when I was in that mode. And I'm not talking necessarily about individual personality types (although that certainly plays a role)....is there some larger societal thing at play here? I don't know - just a thought.

[vikingbitch]

I don't have a problem.

Does my analysis bother you?

I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but I think he's referring to paralysis through analysis. Always has been a big problem for me in any social situation. Actually, I think that's the bane of all introverts. I had a very extroverted friend who made charming, witty comments in public that I could never hope to use, because by the time I finished deciding if it was okay to say, it was too late to say it (timing is everything when trying to be witty in person). I think we need another thread, so we can discuss dating in one and tell dating stories in the other.

Good post sage - especially the phrase "paralysis through analysis." I don't intend to speak for onenight either, nor do I mean to dis Rob or imply him specifically. Stan (onenight) said very succinctly It's really not that complicated. What that made me think of personally is the basic idea: boy meets girl, boy likes girl and vice versa, and relationship (whatever form that takes from hook-up to marriage) follows. Yeah, I know - super simplistic - but the question for me is, really, WHY does it have to be much more complicated than that? Maybe I'm just way too out of touch with this subject or a bit delusional, but it seems from what I hear from people - dating has gotten way more complicated since when I was in that mode. And I'm not talking necessarily about individual personality types (although that certainly plays a role)....is there some larger societal thing at play here? I don't know - just a thought.

I think the change is a balance between general attitudes towards relationships and the largest, communication. To start off and elaborate on Rob and Sage's comments, communicating what one needs in a relationship or feelings that one may have for another for those who are uncomfortable doing so is garbled even further by the many types of communications available and expected today. Text messaging, social networking etiquette over facebook etc, email (or in some cases, PMs), telephone, gossip, the last that is usually ever used to get across these feelings and needs for most people is face to face. Why do so when there are "easier" methods? Then there are so many distractions that are brought by all of these things, finding a common ground to properly communicate with another person (and not just speaking your thoughts but hearing theirs as well) is not an easy feat. Especially when trying to start something off. How people meet each other now is changing too. People don't hang around a pumpkin patch all day waiting for "Mr." or "Ms." "Right" (sorry, I got carried away with quotation marks again).

The societal aspect that you were referring to I would almost compare to the "American Dream" concept. In a society obsessed with individual development and obsessed with self image and what it provides for a person, people just seem to want more than they have or what they have in front of them. The person that they are with adds more to their status (intended facebook pun). Because of this it seems people wait longer to get married, date more, date often and perhaps date multiple people. They "shop" online to find a right match that they think would fit in and compliment this self image they are trying to project. What makes them happy and finding a "real connection" in this type of society falls further down the list. These options are available to people now and it has become socially acceptable to do this. Its terrible but its how attitudes in the dating world have evolved. So in short, the dating world has become so much more complicated because of the many obstacles that we have created through technology and our own self conscious brain washed society.

I've always had the "partner in crime" kind of attitude toward it, someone to go through the good, bad and great in life with - who you would want by your side to experience those times and events with. (I know I know "how do you NOT listen to more power metal being that idiotically romantic and idealistic?" lol) The world has just become a much more difficult place to make a connection long enough to find that. Especially when you think of how many people step in and out of your life, friends/family/relationships - some only stay for a short time.

So after you put all of that aside and have overcome all of those obstacles, you get to deal with the problems that can arise in a real relationship. Which brings you full tilt back to the communication problem but on "expert level" in video game speak. Okay I've definitely rambled enough, what makes people tick just entertains me is all

[Element0s]

Say I'm teaching a piano lesson to a comely lass within legal age restrictions and she decides that she'd rather spend her lesson time making another kind of music with me. She still pays me. Does that make me a prostitute?

[mooyagi]

Say I'm teaching a piano lesson to a comely lass within legal age restrictions and she decides that she'd rather spend her lesson time making another kind of music with me. She still pays me. Does that make me a prostitute?

There's an easy way around that! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW1-NHuPh1I

[vikingbitch]

Say I'm teaching a piano lesson to a comely lass within legal age restrictions and she decides that she'd rather spend her lesson time making another kind of music with me. She still pays me. Does that make me a prostitute?

Only slightly a "comely lass"? Oh good grief.

[Element0s]

"comely lass"? Oh good grief.

must be my british element, sorry if i'm too classy for you. allow me to reiterate for modern north american standards

Say I'm teaching piano so some smoking babe that's over 18 (I swear to god) and she decides that she'd rather spend her lesson time making another kind of music with me. She still pays me. Does that make me a prostitute?

also: lol @ Mooyagi

[ShoreSlayer]

"comely lass"? Oh good grief.

must be my british element, sorry if i'm too classy for you. allow me to reiterate for modern north american standards

Say I'm teaching piano so some smoking babe that's over 18 (I swear to god) and she decides that she'd rather spend her lesson time making another kind of music with me. She still pays me. Does that make me a prostitute?

I think we need to push your lingo mojo a little harder than that my friend... How 'bout this:


Say I'm schooling some smoking babe that ain't cellbait (I swear to god) and she turns it on, sayin' she wants to knock keytars with me. She peels off the Bennies and I oblige. Does that make me her bitch?

[Laura]

I think the change is a balance between general attitudes towards relationships and the largest, communication. To start off and elaborate on Rob and Sage's comments, communicating what one needs in a relationship or feelings that one may have for another for those who are uncomfortable doing so is garbled even further by the many types of communications available and expected today. Text messaging, social networking etiquette over facebook etc, email (or in some cases, PMs), telephone, gossip, the last that is usually ever used to get across these feelings and needs for most people is face to face. Why do so when there are "easier" methods? Then there are so many distractions that are brought by all of these things, finding a common ground to properly communicate with another person (and not just speaking your thoughts but hearing theirs as well) is not an easy feat. Especially when trying to start something off. How people meet each other now is changing too. People don't hang around a pumpkin patch all day waiting for "Mr." or "Ms." "Right" (sorry, I got carried away with quotation marks again).

The societal aspect that you were referring to I would almost compare to the "American Dream" concept. In a society obsessed with individual development and obsessed with self image and what it provides for a person, people just seem to want more than they have or what they have in front of them. The person that they are with adds more to their status (intended facebook pun). Because of this it seems people wait longer to get married, date more, date often and perhaps
date multiple people. They "shop" online to find a right match that they think would fit in and compliment this self image they are trying to project. What makes them happy and finding a "real connection" in this type of society falls further down the list. These options are available to people now and it has become socially acceptable to do this. Its terrible but its how attitudesin the dating world have evolved. So in short, the dating world has become so much more complicated because of the many obstacles that we have created through technology and our own self conscious brain washed society.

I've always had the "partner in crime" kind of attitude toward it, someone to go through the good, bad and great in life with - who you would want by your side to experience those times and events with. (I know I know "how do you NOT listen to more power metal being that idiotically romantic and idealistic?" lol) The world has just become a much more difficult place to make a connection long enough to find that. Especially when you think of how many people step in and out of your life, friends/family/relationships - some only stay for a short time.

So after you put all of that aside and have overcome all of those obstacles, you get to deal with the problems that can arise in a real relationship. Which brings you full tilt back to the communication problem but on "expert level" in video game speak. Okay I've definitely rambled enough, what makes people tick just entertains me is all

Wow, this is an amazing post, Marlo! It kinda makes my head spin. I think you completely convinced me that dating is WAY more complicated now, particularly when you talked about how all the newer ways people communicate via technology affect dating relationships. As I said on an earlier post, I've been out of "dating mode" for a very long time (since I've known my husband 27 years ), so I'm quite out of touch on that front and hearing a much younger person's perspective is really interesting to me!

When I was in high school and college in the late 70’s/early 80’s, “face to face” was truly the primary way of meeting someone/form of communication. Of course, you could try to call someone at their home, apartment, dorm, or work phone, but that was iffy since you had to hope the person was actually there when you called since very few people had answering machines. Anyway, I know this sounds like ancient history, but it really is not THAT long ago. And I’m not saying that one era communication-wise was better than the other – there definitely were/are pros and cons to both imo. It does make me wonder however – if things changed THAT much in the last 30 years, what will communication be like 30 years from now?

You wrote many other thoughtful comments - wish I had more time at the moment to respond.

[KDibildeaux]

Say I'm schooling some smoking babe that's ain't cellbait (I swear to god) and she turns it on, sayin' she wants to knock keytars with me. She peels off the Bennies and I oblige. Does that make me her bitch?

awesome

[sageoftruth]

I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but I think he's referring to paralysis through analysis. Always has been a big problem for me in any social situation. Actually, I think that's the bane of all introverts. I had a very extroverted friend who made charming, witty comments in public that I could never hope to use, because by the time I finished deciding if it was okay to say, it was too late to say it (timing is everything when trying to be witty in person). I think we need another thread, so we can discuss dating in one and tell dating stories in the other.

I definitely agree that there's such a thing as over-thinking things but the stuff I enjoy babbling about here is not very indicative of my thought processes in real life situations. I just get tremendous pleasure out of thinking out loud in a setting like this and sharing some of my more disjointed thoughts in the hopes of hearing what others think and learning from them, which I usually do. I'm under no illusions that everyone else finds my thoughts as entertaining as I do but they have the option of just moving to the next post if they're not interested. I just took mild offense to being told I had a problem and what the solution was when, for the most part, I'm pretty damn content with the way my mind works in this area and the results it gets me.

And no, I doubt we need another thread. The multi-tangental stream approach has been working pretty well around here for a while now

You've got a good point there. There really isn't any problem with analysis on the forums. Once again, I probably shouldn't speak for onenight, but he may have made the fatal error of assuming one's online persona is exactly the same as in the real world. We all love what you have to say Shoreslayer (or at least I do), and I want you to know that I never skip over your walls of text (unless I'm searching for something in particular). Also, as Vikingbitch cleverly put it, if you jump into a relationship without careful planning, things will really go down once you enter "expert mode". Keep it coming everyone!

[Element0s]

Say I'm schooling some smoking babe that ain't cellbait (I swear to god) and she turns it on, sayin' she wants to knock keytars with me. She peels off the Bennies and I oblige. Does that make me her bitch?

jajajajajajajajaajjaa

theres a knee-slapper if I ever saw one

[AlaskaRachel]

I think the change is a balance between general attitudes towards relationships and the largest, communication. To start off and elaborate on Rob and Sage's comments, communicating what one needs in a relationship or feelings that one may have for another for those who are uncomfortable doing so is garbled even further by the many types of communications available and expected today. Text messaging, social networking etiquette over facebook etc, email (or in some cases, PMs), telephone, gossip, the last that is usually ever used to get across these feelings and needs for most people is face to face. Why do so when there are "easier" methods? ...

Its terrible but its how attitudes in the dating world have evolved. So in short, the dating world has become so much more complicated because of the many obstacles that we have created through technology and our own self conscious brain washed society.

I've always had the "partner in crime" kind of attitude toward it, someone to go through the good, bad and great in life with - who you would want by your side to experience those times and events with...

I get into conversations about relationships and technology a lot because I've been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years. My boyfriend and I grew up in the same town and then ended up going to universities over 2000 miles away from each other. We see each other face to face for a total of maybe 2 or 3 months a year, talk on the phone for maybe an hour a month, and text the rest of the time. It works for us, for now. We're both too busy with school to even consider any other situation. But I can definitely agree that face to face interaction is a very important factor to a functioning long term relationship. Now that I'm finishing up my degree and he's looking into graduate school, we're at the stage where we could possibly transition to a "normal" face to face relationship. So I would actively argue that technology based dating can work perfectly fine for certain people in certain situations, but it can only work temporarily. I can't make babies via text